Sir Ian Bowler is the outspoken, utterly imaginary
MP for Belmsford and Chutney.
UsVsTh3m caught up with the dishonourable member in a
Westminster hostelry, the place he took time from his busy schedule
to clarify the Funds, and what it means for you.
Discovering him onerous asleep in a packet of pork scratchings, we
took benefit of the hard-right politician’s clear confusion
and disorientation to ask if he was nonetheless flirting with Nigel
“That is a lie,” he mentioned, swatting away an errant bit
of crackling.“A damned lie. It wasn’t ‘flirting’ it was
“Proper. Let’s get this accomplished. Have you ever acquired my cheque
(Photograph: Phil Bourne)
1. Deficit discount
“Folks neglect that after we acquired in, borrowing had by no means been as
excessive as a proportion of GDP. By no means. By no means ever. By no means ever
ever. Since 1993.
“And you do not need to return there. There have been solely 4
tv channels and Terry Christian was on one in all them. Mr
Blobby? Margi Clarke’s Good Intercourse Information? Jamiroquai!
“It wasn’t even cool to put on International Hypercolour T-shirts any
extra and also you needed to sit on the far facet of the bus on the
college journey to Beaulieu, listening to Genesis on tape and
wishing you have been useless.
“However now now we have progress. Big progress. The deficit, in
explicit, is thrice the dimensions of what we mentioned it will be
in 2010. Nobody predicted that form of progress…”
2. “Out of the purple, into the black”
“George instructed us that we would solely be borrowing £90 billion this
yr, and in future years we would be borrowing much less (as a
proportion of GDP), so we’re out of the purple and into the black.
“It is like after I go to my financial institution and I clarify to them that I
intend to repay a tiny a part of my overdraft, however which means
that I now not, basically have an overdraft.
“And if the British public are the financial institution on this analogy they
would, on this case, settle for that and possibly give me a manly hug
as a substitute of demanding a reimbursement and telling me to place my
trousers again on.”
three. Broadband for all public libraries
“As we have closed all however three libraries, this one’s straightforward…”
“George did a superb joke about deeds of variation and
one other one about Ed having two kitchens. Nick Clegg has two
kitchens, every of which prepares a meal each day. One for every
of his faces.”
5. “£10 off a tank with the Tories…
“And we provide much more spectacular reductions on plane
6. A penny off a pint
“That is simply an eye catching measure, which will not actually make
loads of distinction to anybody. You’d need to drink about 350
pints of beer earlier than you bought a free one. Or 89 for those who’re
consuming in any of the Commons bars.
“That may take most MPs nearly per week.”
7. £1 million to commemorate The Battle Of Agincourt
“Now I do not need to flog a useless horse – or, because the French,
would name it, lunch – however we actually cannot spend an excessive amount of time
or cash remembering our fallen heroes at Agincourt.
“Not that issues have not modified since 1415. Again then, of
course, the person main the nation was extremely wealthy, famed
for being a drunken bully-boy in his youth and actually loved
eight. Decreasing the Severn Bridge toll
“It’ll get monetary savings if there’s nothing you’d somewhat do at a
weekend than ki… go to Welshmen.”
9. Gasoline responsibility to be Frozen
“That is to attraction to women underneath the age of 9. As I
perceive it, somewhat than paying any tax on gasoline, drivers will
be capable to stand on the forecourt and sing Let It Go, Do You
Need To Construct A Snowman? or no matter that music Olaf sings is.
It is a good time to be alive.”
10. No extra annual tax returns
“Nous sommes tous Vodafones maintenant.”
11. Cuts in taxes for oil corporations
“We’ve to face info that some individuals have actually been hit
onerous by austerity, and so they really want all of our assist. Sure,
I am speaking about oil and gasoline corporations.
“Who, greater than they, deserves all of us to dig deep and provides
them slightly greater than we have been? They’re long-term,
hardworking, entities who do not go to work with the curtains
12. Church restore fund tripled
“To be truthful, I am not that eager on this. I do not like Jesus.
Bear in mind, Jesus used to hold round with prostitutes and tax
“And no-one does that anymore.”